” I never knew you, I never saw you coming. I just felt you, I thought you where going to be the death of me. You were like a virus in my mind, against my happiness, against my confidence, you swallowed me, the only person who knew me better. you lost me, I became a foreigner in my own body, in my own thoughts. You took away my will, my assertiveness, you filled me with fear, doubt and left me timid. I looked down upon my own ability, I became unreliable to my self, a complete stranger I became to my self. Shame on you DEPRESSION!!
At first I thought maybe it was mood swings, I thought maybe It was the stages of growing up. I was slowly detaching from my friends, wasn’t enjoying the activities I used to love. I was a socialite before, but slowly I started hating the company of others, I was dull, always trying to hide from people. I thought people could see through my pain. I felt incompetent and thought little of my self. I did not see my self as someone who deserve the best things in life. Became very insecure, felt ugly and literally saw my self as ugly.
It was the power of depression, it had taken away all my power. I did not see hope, only in alcohol and drugs. I felt better and happier when I was either drunk or high on drugs. Sober always revealed my worst enemy (my self). Everyone thought I was fine I guess, because nobody ever asked if I was ok or mention my change of behavior. Little did I know that with alcohol and drugs I was just de-creasing my chances of regaining my self back. There where times when I missed being sober because I was always running away from my self by taking more drugs. Well, my peers used to think I was cool, little did dey know I was avoiding my self.
As for catching feelings? Didn’t take time. Every little fight would get me worked up for weeks and weaken me completely. I Used to be angry over nothing. Crying was like my daily bread, crying over what? I dnt know. I couldn’t keep anyone over an intimate relationship for too long, before the relationship start it would’ve ended because of fear, insecurities, anger, nagging and emotional withdrawal. Sometimes being alone felt better but not for too long because loneliness would come knocking on my mind. I felt like the number one confused person in the whole world. I blamed everything and everyone for my sadness, I would blame school, my job, the environment I was in, the company I used to keep, even the accommodation I used to stay at.
Nothing could satisfy me and no one was good enough, I wasn’t good enough. I had lost my sense of self and I had forgotten how it feels to love my self let alone respect my self. I had given up on my self, started seeking attention in wrong ways and in wrong people. However, Despite how much I had given my self to the world, seeking for what I could not find. God had not forgotten me, let alone give up on me.
If there is anyone who gave me, back to me, it has to be God. He gave me what nobody else has ever given me. If there is anyone who can restore a person’s life it can only be God because complete healing comes from him. When I was down and out he pulled me bak to him and restored me slowly but surely. The process was quite long, there were days I felt like I was relapsing little did I know God was draining the pain away. It didn’t take a day, a week nor a month but years of God at work In my life. When a porter molds his clay, he does it slowly so that the final product may be perfect. Little did I know he was perfectuating me.
I persisted in prayer day in and out, fasting and hardly feeling any progress but eventually it all payed off. All in good time everything came together. The peace of God which surpasses all human understanding filled my heart and finally I can confidently say all things work together for good for those that trust in the Lord. It is never to late to start crying out for his special grace of healing because complete healing comes from the Lord. If anyone can break and bind it has to be God. No illness is greater than his grace.